Saturday, January 29, 2011

Being a mother...

...means that you sacrifice all privacy.  For me, it happened the day Jayden was born, when 30 people gathered in a small hospital room and simultaneously stared at my goods.


I just got around to showering today at 8 p.m.

I was looking forward to being, myself, and the hot water.

So I put Spongebob on and told the kids to park it on the couch until further notice.  Jayden, unfortunately, had other plans.

She decided that it would be a great time to visit me in the bathroom and poop.

A hot steamy bathroom + poop = BAD COMBINATION.

So I poured an extra helping of body wash on my loofah in an effort to smell apricots instead of poop.

Luckily, it worked.

Maybe next time I'll lock the door.


Friday, January 28, 2011

Going down in history as one of the most ridiculous things he's ever said...

After I dropped the kids off at school this morning, I stopped at Dunkin' Donuts to get breakfast for me and Brand.

When I got home, my hands/arms were really full between the food and drinks and the mail that I was carrying, not to mention I was really tense because I was trying not to bust my ass on the sheet of ice that we have for a driveway.

Anyway, by the time I delivered Brand his donuts, they were a little squished because they were in the bag that I jammed between my arm and my body.

Do you know that this man had the nerve to be annoyed with me because his donuts were a bit on the mangled side?

I was like, "They're going to taste the same, squished or not."

He then adamantly proceeded to tell me that they would not taste the same....and he wasn't joking around.

I told him it's like living with another five-year-old.

Tantrums from the kids, tantrums from the husband....

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

The Break-Up

Jayden just informed me that she is breaking up her relationship with her brother.  They will no longer be brother and sister.  And she's never hugging him again.

All this over the fact that they were playing Super Mario Brothers and he threw a turtle shell at her and then "stole" her ice power.

This is where I draw the line.

I'm not responding to arguments over mushrooms and fire power.

It's truly ridiculous around here sometimes.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Highlights of the week so far...

Today is Tuesday and so far my week has been this:
  • A flood
  • A near work disaster
  • A mom-imposed snow day
  • A headache so bad today that I thought for sure I was going to stroke out
Sunday afternoon I sent the kids upstairs to play and just sat down to finish a job due on Monday when I heard a pop and an explosion and then hissing.  I thought for sure my kitchen was on fire from what I was hearing, but when I ran in, I discovered water streaming/squirting out from underneath the dishwasher.

I started screaming, "We have a flood!  We have a flood!"

Brand ran downstairs and, first, accused me of causing the disaster and then proceeded to figure out how to stop the water.

At one point I said to him as he was pulling the dishwasher out from under the counter, "Dude, you're going to get electrocuted, " as he was fiddling with plugs and standing in what was now a pool of water.  He looked at me and said, "Good point," and put a pair of boots on.

By the time he found the shut-off valve that was hidden under all the cleaning supplies under the sink (doh), we had a serious flood.  At this point we thought we had a burst pipe or something, so we called the landlord to come check on the apartment downstairs because our neighbors weren't home.  There was water seeping in through their light fixtures and smoke detectors and whatnot, but thankfully not a whole lot of damage.

Brand and I used every towel we own to clean the mess.  It was a disaster....but not as much of a disaster as it would have been if we weren't home.

Edited to add:  The flood was caused by a broken dishwasher piece, not a broken pipe.


Yesterday I got a call that an attorney is claiming they never got a transcript from November of 2009.

Yeah, okay, buddy.  Why don't you tell the truth and just say you lost it...but whatever.

So I go to look for my back-up for 2009 and can't find it.  I've switched computers twice since then and my only hope for printing out this transcript was the missing back-up SD card.

Let's just say that I wanted to kill myself all day because I thought it was lost forever...and then Brand came home and found it in a matter of two minutes.

Thank God.

I think that was my sign from the heavens that it's time to get organized.


I think the stress of yesterday caused me to have a seriously bad headache last night into today.

It was the kind of headache where it feels like your brain is smacking up against your skull with every movement.

On top of that, I kept my kids home from school today because we got several more inches of snow this morning and I didn't feel safe putting them on the bus.

Yes, I know, I'm a little neurotic.

Look, I live in New England.  I get that it snows here.

But for never snows this much or this often.  And people drive like assholes.  And I'm not trusting somebody else to drive them in this weather.  They're still little.  Let me control their every movement while I still can.  Okay?


On a good note, Jayden started dance class last night and she's thrilled!  I'm very excited for her.

So that's it.

We're supposed to get another big-ass storm tomorrow night into Thursday.  Big damn surprise.

If this is going to be the new winter trend, I think we should buy a plow.

Blurry picture, but I love her face here.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Date Night

Last night Brand and I went on a date.

He needed some clothes for work because of his promotion, so we went to the mall together to shop and grabbed dinner at IHOP.

We hardly ever go out alone, so it was nice.

Our first stop was Macy's.  I usually don't shop with him when he shops for clothes, so it brought me back to when I was a kid and my mother used to torture me in the men's department at G. Fox, shopping for suits for my dad.

My mom tends to be slightly indecisive when she shops, and I can remember her asking me, "This one or this one?  This one or this one?" and holding up tie after tie after tie.

Fortunately, Brand found some nice stuff...and got quite a few deals, so it was a good night.

Our dinner was delicious (I could so go for the french toast combo again right now), but the service was terrible.  We asked for orange juice when we got there, and we got our orange juice when we were done with our food.  Oh, well.  I guess you can't have everything

Even though we were at the mall with all the Friday night mall rats, it was nice to just be out together.

Good times...

Friday, January 21, 2011

Another Snow Day

I really should just get used to it.  This is going to continue to be the winter from hell.  I think we've had five feet of snow already...and a nice little ice storm earlier in the week just for good measure.

I realize this is New England, but it hasn't been this bad since...well, I can't remember it ever being like this.  It makes driving a treacherous, terrifying experience, especially when you have a front-wheel-drive car (like me.)

The kids went back to school yesterday for a half-day...and that's all the education they've had since January 11th.  Today is the 21st.  Ridonkulous.


Jayden has a new hobby.

She now talks on the phone with her best friend, and she wants to call her 350 times a day.

They have absolutely nothing to talk about.  It's actually quite amusing.

The other day I was listening from another room and heard Jayden say, "One of my clocks says it's 3:14 and the other one says it's 3:15.  What time does your clock say?"

Riveting conversations, huh?


In other news, my husband got a promotion at work.  He'll no longer be third shift.  That makes me very happy.  When he's not home at night, I don't sleep in my bed.  I'm too scared to be upstairs alone.

Yeah, I said it.  I'm scared.

I'm a big baby.  I usually just climb in bed with one of the kids or crash on the couch.


My car needs new brakes and new tires and the check engine light is on.

Unfortunately, all these days my kids have snow days are days I have to take off from work.

So I'm broke....and we don't have credit cards.

Quite the quandary.


So those are the current events in my household.

Right at this very moment, Jayden is sitting practically on top of me to my left and Ryan is in the same position on my right and they're SCREAMING at each other.  They're literally two feet away from one another and my ears are directly between's making it very hard to concentrate.

So on that note...

Happy Friday!

Monday, January 17, 2011

As of today, there has been no school since last Tuesday because of the weather...

...and we're supposedly getting another storm tonight.

I have to be honest and say that my patience is non-existent at this point.  I'm grumpy.

I realized the seriousness of the situation just five minutes ago when this scene played out.

I put the kids to bed early-ish and they don't want to be in bed right now and I've absolutely had it up to here.
Ryan walked out of his room and said:  "My room stinks."

Me (annoyed that he's out of his bed):  "Stinks like what, Ryan?"

Ryan (with the cutest damn scrunched up face):  "Stinks like farts."

Me (yelling now):  "WELL, STOP FARTING!!!"

And he walked away and that was that.

Now I'm laughing at myself because I really need to take a damn chill pill...for reals.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Three Snow Days + a Three-Day Weekend + a Flat Tire

= I need a vacation in a very warm tropical destination.

All the snow is melting off the roof onto our porch and stairs, creating deadly icicles and a version of the Ice Capades you must encounter every single time you want to leave.

I mean, just check out the size of the icicle that Brand pulled off the roof.  Can you imagine if this fell on your head?

There's been a lot of video gaming (with bed head) the past few days. 

And, yes, my son prefers to be shirtless.
 But no worries, Mrs. Fahl and Mrs. Tarsi, there's been a lot of reading, too.

There's been some twirling.

There's been some yawning.

Luckily, there's only been one minor injury.

And, as you can imagine, there's been LOTS of fighting.

I'm using today to catch up on work laundry.  Big surprise there.

Hope you're having a splendid weekend!

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

The lesson my son learned today... that you shouldn't make a deal unless you're willing to deal with the consequences of losing.

Last night I was watching Now and Then , and Ryan walked in at the part where Christina Ricci is about to get kissed.

So I said, "Oh, Bubba, look.  They're gonna smooch..."

And he said, "No, they're not.  If they kiss, I'll drink pickle juice."

Little did he know it, but I just bought a fresh jar of pickles that very afternoon.

So this morning I made him pay up.  I called him downstairs (since they're home from school because of a blizzard) and surprised him.

Hehehehehe...we need something to keep us entertained since we're buried under feet of snow.

My stairs look like a white slide

In case you were wondering, yes, that is my husband shoveling with shorts on...

I'm going to say it one more time.  I hate snow.

The end.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

A new haircut...and the shocking question of the day.

Ryan has been getting the same haircut practically since he was 18 months old, and he always looks so darn handsome.

He is a really cute kid...and I'm not just saying that because he's mine.

Anyway, today he came home with a design shaved into the side of his head.

I'm not a fan.

However, he's been asking for something like this for a while now....and the little bugger is getting old.

When they got home, I surely gave my husband the stink eye. 

Oh, well.  It's only hair.


On another note, Jayden just walked up to me as I was typing the portion above and said out of the freakin' blue:

"Did you only have sex with one man?"

Huh?  What?  I almost spit out my drink.


She has no idea what that even means...

I told her I'll have that conversation with her when she's, I don't know, about 30.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

The conversation I just had with my husband...

Me:  Do you see the ginormous pimple I woke up with?

Brand:  This one?

Me:  Nope.

Brand:  This one?

Me:  Nope.  This one...(pointing to the pimple that has formed on the inside of my NOSTRIL and hurts like a mother.)

Brand:  Yowza.

I need some Proactive stat.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Well, ain't that some bullshit...

After work today, I headed to two of my favorite stores:  Target and Barnes & Noble.

I bought a couple things for myself:

Nothing makes me smile more than a new magazine, a new book, and some sweet socks.

I picked up a lot of essentials:  Paper towels, food, moisturizer, yada yada.

I also found some really cute boots for Jayden on clearance.

When I got home, the first thing I did (even before I put anything else away) was had her try them on. 

She got the right one on her foot no problemo, but the left one would not fit no matter how hard we tugged.

Want to know why?

Tag, size 13.  Check.

 Bottom of boots, size 13.  Check.

Right boot, inside tag, size 13.  Check.

Left boot, inside tag, size 12.  What the #$%$@!?!

Guess who's going back to Target tomorrow...

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

The Hazards of Cat Ownership...

I have a serious love/hate relationship with our cats.

To be quite honest, most times I just want to get rid of them, but my children would end up in therapy if I did such a thing.  Even the mere mention of "I think we are going to have to call the animal shelter" sends them into hysterics, so I'm not going there....yet.

I'm no stranger to having a cat walk in front of me and causing me to almost fall on my face.  This includes walking down the stairs.

If I leave my bowl of cereal unattended for even a second, I am sure to find a cat with her snout in the bowl, drinking all my milk.  Gross.

But something new happened this morning...

I went into the bathroom to pee.  As I went to sit on the toilet, a cat jumped up at the very last second and I sat on her.  I'm sorry, but when you're in the process of sitting on the toilet, you don't expect to encounter fur on your butt.  Luckily she escaped...and did not fall in.

It still has me chuckling...

Damn cats...  :)

Have a lovely Tuesday!

Monday, January 3, 2011

A New Year...

I'm sitting here this early afternoon, eating some oatmeal, thinking about cleaning off my desk...

Another year is over in a flash.  How can it be 2011?  It blows my mind.  I graduated from high school 11 years ago.  It seems like it was just yesterday...

And now I have an 8-year-old and soon-to-be 7-year-old.  Just plain craziness.

This weekend I had to finish up some continuing education requirements for my license renewal.  I've had three years to do it...but I, of course, left it until the last three days of the year.  I always say every January 1st that I won't procrastinate anymore, but let's be's who I am.

I accomplished a very huge thing over the weekend.  Ladies and Gentlemen, you can now see the floor of my children's bedroom.

I was too embarrassed to take a "before" shot.  Trust could have been in an episode of Hoarders.

In true "Jessica" fashion, my Christmas tree is still up.  I have so much purging and organizing to do in the next couple days so that I can put all this stuff away.

Random:  The Pictureka app on the iPhone is addicting.  The kids and I are having a blast with it.

I never stick to my new year's resolution, but I always make one (or a few.)  This year I'm going to do my best to follow through.  We shall see...

1.  I am going to use my YMCA membership on a very regular basis because I'm fat.

2.  I am going to be better about sticking to my word.

Oh, and I solemnly swear that once I get this little problem under will NEVER look like this again.

I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday!  Ours was awesome.  Santa did not disappoint.  Even I got something I've been wishing for...a vacuum cleaner. 

Seriously, the things that we want for Christmas as we get older are depressing.

Happy New Year!